Last Thursday, police responded to reports of nonviolence at the popular college bar Knight Library. Lazy Moon proprietor Ben Roth phoned UCF police after noticing a lack of broken glass, unbridled machismo, and crying girls in the plaza’s parking lot. Police interviewed several suspects, but made no arrests. Warnings were [...]
In the UCF Mining and Rigging program’s latest discovery, solar energy has been found underground in the form of a crude oil-like slick. Head of Research Dr. Hans Arztbeweis gave us the rundown. “Vell, ven ze sun rays come down to Earth from ze Moon ze vermin und ze critter [...]
The above video clip, which is inauspiciously making its way around the internet, shows Presidential candidate Nicholas Gurney discussing what could be one of the biggest scandals in SGA history with none other than his running mate, Fernando Gonzalez-Portillo. This shocking footage may link Gurney to the recent break-in at [...]
I remember how back in ’76–which, may I add, was a much more authentic, organic, and all around less plastic year–diabetes, or insulin fever as it was known among users, was much more of a counterculture movement than the wreck of a consumer product that it is today. I knew [...]
It’s election season here at UCF and, as the polls close and the lights go out, one group’s electoral resolution remains in the spotlight: UCF Philosophy Society. This year the Fancy is taking a lighter look at the campaign hubbub. All the sleaze, slander, and scandal will be presented together [...]
“$17… Million… Dollars…,” spelled out the lavish slogan of the Gurney/Gonzales 2011 SGA presidential campaign. It had seemed as though the presidency was in the bag: they had the girls, the policies, the best pizza, and over thirty campaigner bros without shirts on preaching their radical message of diversifying pretty [...]
On March 11, Japan suffered what most geologists are poetically calling “the strongest earthquake in recorded history.” It was a mere 9.0 on the Richter scale. The small, attention deprived island nation promptly used the “natural catastrophe” as an excuse to self detonate all 17 of their nuclear power plants. [...]
The National Organization for Women hosted an event on March 24th about something to do with walking through the Washington Center for some reason. “We think the ‘march through the breezeway’ thing may actually be a statement in and of itself,” an anonymous source told our commentator. “But at this [...]
Old documents are surfacing that appear to detail an array of glory holes that used to overwhelm the UCF Library bathrooms. For those unaware, a glory hole is exactly what it sounds like: a hole cut out of a bathroom stall wall meant to encourage off-the-cuff sexual encounters. Gay encounters. [...]
Killing your offspring, I mean, drinking alcohol may not may be as bad as it is made out to be. A new study reported in the magazine Expired Baby, woah, I mean, Wired Daily found that a murderous hobby, err, a zest for red wine, may be beneficial for your [...]
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