In the midst of the March 17th Senate meeting, UCF student body president Michael Kilbride was observed stomping out of the Student Union muttering to himself, “stupid Senators… I hate those stupid… stupid mean SENATORS SO MEAN!”
Senator Jason Bryant agreed to an interview with the Fancy upon exiting the meeting, declaring that Kilbride had never returned after his “complete breakdown.”
“We had received word from SGA Chief of Staff Joey Femia that Kilbride had dissolved his Cabinet earlier today,” remarked Bryant disgustedly, “I had to do everything I could to comfort Joey, he was literally in tears.”
When Kilbride was confronted with Senators questioning his actions, his temper took a turn for the worse.
“At one point he just ripped off his cute little navy blue button long sleeve like it was a soggy towel,” recollects College of Arts and Humanities Senator Matthew Arbos, “I got so scared I hid in the bathroom and took off all my clothes. I didn’t lock the door though.”
At what seemed to be the cusp of his rage, Kilbride, with a flushed face filled with blood, denounced his friendship with all of the Senators, proclaimed them to be “dead to him,” and attempted to dissolve them, physically.
“I don’t really know if he realizes what dissolving means, let alone what sort of individuals he‘s allowed to dissolve,” pondered Bryant, “since at the meeting he started pouring vinegar on Senators while bellowing the phrase, ‘I DISSOLVE YOU.’”
Upon witnessing the failure of vinegar to dissolve a Senate member, Kilbride professed that he thought it would work because he saw vinegar dissolve a saltine cracker once. It was around this point of time that he was seen storming out of the Student Union.
Comptroller Chris Enger has since publicized that Kilbride’s radical decision ultimately stemmed from the Cabinet’s advisory warning to Kilbride that he not spend SGA money on a new LEGO set.
“He came into his office this morning screaming his head off about a magazine clipping selling this new LEGO pirate ship,” Director of Campus Life Amanda Newby protested, “I had to take him behind his desk for about thirteen minutes just to settle him down.”
The Fancy attempted to find Chief of Staff Cabinet member Joey Femia in order to gain insight into the meeting that incited Kilbride’s rampage, yet we were unsuccessful in doing so until later that night.
“I didn’t do no wrong, no wrong!” bawled Femia as he slumped against the wall of Knight Library, “I do job good! Bad man throw vinegar in my eye!”
Femia continued to express worry for the university SGA is sculpting UCF into.