In a bizarre lack of development, veteran crazy janitor Al ‘Sweep’ Jackson has gone thirty years at UCF without exposing himself once. “It just doesn’t seem right. Like, during my second week at UCF I was lost really late at night, so I stopped and sat down on a bench [...]
“I got H1N2 as soon as it leaked. It wasn’t as good as the first one.” It’s the hottest new infatuation among the avant-garde. Disease, long rejected as undesirable, meddlesome, and even dangerous to the affairs of humanity, has lately been picked up by a large number of UCF’s counter-culture [...]
NASA is gearing up to have yet another final space shuttle launch on April 29th. “We promise, no more final launches,” NASA spokesperson John Warden told a press conference. “We are committed to making sure that this is the last time that we fill people with indignation and remorse for [...]
According to the Associated Press, Emma Watson will be parting ways with Brown University to join UCF in the Fall of 2011. In order to quell the sardonic, yet sometimes seriously taken rumors emerging that she will be transferring to Hogwarts (a school that boasts over 100,000 students on Facebook), [...]
Last Thursday, scholastic publisher McGraw-Hill announced plans to publish a 6th version of its popular textbook, Humanistic Traditions I. The only revision is the change of a period to a colon in the introductory “About the Authors” chapter of the textbook. The revised textbook also comes bundled with a new [...]
Once famous as a campus where every third story bathroom, shade behind shrubs, or unsuspecting T.A.’s office had been foully subjected to the outcome of years of unvented sexual frustration, UCF has recently become an almost sanitary wasteland. “Students just aren’t jerking off anywhere on campus these days,” says Dave [...]
Following enduring instances of being doggedly bullied, Emma Watson has fixed upon transferring to a less immature and more pontifically high-brow university. “Hermione desires a cultured institution that’s more well-read so she can be respected for her role as the multifaceted and existentially troubled anti-heroine Hermione,” Watson’s PR representative revealed [...]
Rather than the dialogue, story, and performance driven prequels (‘Tokyo Drift’, and ‘Fast and Furious’), Director Justin Lin has surprisingly decided to focus his latest directorial effort on just how fast cars can get, and how hot women can be. “In this one, cars will flip, swim, yell, burp and [...]
Late Tuesday afternoon, Anthropology major Alicia Harris sold back all of her textbooks to the campus bookstore for a shocking, grand total of 67 cents. “This kind of thing is just unheard of,” said bookstore cashier, John Davis. “I’ve seen returns upwards of 30 cents and even 45 cents once, [...]
You may not be a witness to this sort of scene every day: large speakers blaring tribalistic thumping, a bazaar of plastic tent enclosures, a small group or two sitting in a circle laughing and texting on a well-manicured lawn, a massive plastic erection filled with air. It brings the [...]
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