Some dubstep DJs are satisfied with a mere two octave drop. Some dubstep DJs aren’t Skrillex. Last Thursday, in preparation for the Electric Daisy Carnival in Orlando, renowned dubstep disc jockey Skrillex, of “From First to Last” fame, traveled to the deepest point on Earth. “Yeah, the Mariana Trench is [...]
Breakups are usually riddled with messy item claiming, friend partitioning, and the awkward task of reintegrating oneself into the practice of “mingling.” Recently dumped Orlando resident Tanner Garbutt, however, is trying to make the best of his situation. “The moment I saw all the likes on Johanna’s status, I realized [...]
Port Orange police issued an Amber Alert today when a young girl by the name of “Molly” went missing at Orlando’s first annual electronic music festival, Electric Daisy Carnival. Suspicions began when multiple festival goers kept receiving questions concerning the location of a supposed girl named “Molly,” but no one [...]
At Barnes & Noble’s NOOK event earlier today, CEO WIlliam Lynch introduced the latest edition to their growing family of eReaders, the Nook Book. “The Nook Book is going to revolutionize the way we read books,” Lynch kicked off the event, “With 1035 individual E ink screens, the Nook Book [...]
Harold Camping, the apocalyptic messenger with over thirty years of tenure and tens of thousands of followers, had gone silent as of yesterday after a widely recognized failure of prophecy. Camping claimed to have discovered a mathematical proof laid down by God in The Bible pinpointing the exact day of [...]
Following the attendance of an impromptu get-together with a group of high school friends at his “ex-bestie’s” parents’ house, Mike Barton confirmed to news sources today that his high school friends just aren’t the same. “We were talking about how we used to chug Redbulls all night and fight each [...]
Although graduation has parents weeping with joy, most of us don’t like to hear that a convicted biology major, communications major, or philosophy major is being released from UCF and moving back to town. But whether you believe it’s society’s job to rehabilitate dangerous ex-students or just lock them up [...]
In an effort to decrease the amount of insubordinate students procrastinating, and ultimately refusing to pay back their over due library debts, the UCF Library has officially announced the addition of their new collections agent, ex-Mafioso Tony Gugliamo. Using a process he calls, “th’fuckin’ thing I do,” Tony’s efforts have [...]
ORLANDO — Osama bin Laden is dead and UCF has his body, says library personnel. After ten years of hunting for the world’s most dangerous man, at 10:02pm this evening student Bic Tanner found the body of Bin Laden curled up under one of the fifth floor study desks. “I [...]
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