ORLANDO — Osama bin Laden is dead and UCF has his body, says library personnel.
After ten years of hunting for the world’s most dangerous man, at 10:02pm this evening student Bic Tanner found the body of Bin Laden curled up under one of the fifth floor study desks.
“I thought a hobo was sleeping, so I kicked it. When it didn’t move I called the police,” said the courageous hero after being endowed with three purple hearts in front of the reflection pond.
During his 11:25pm announcement, Obama admitted that both the CIA and the FBI had not considered the UCF library’s fifth floor as a viable sanctuary to plot and distribute plans for future terrorist attacks. Though, in retrospect, the administrations praised bin Laden’s tactical genius in procuring a spot that is unknown to the general populace.
The identification of bin Laden has surprised many students who had never put a name to the face of one of the library’s longest-standing residents.
“That was bin Laden? I spent my entire finals week with him. He taught me everything I needed to know for my High-Speed Aerodynamics exam,” said surprised student Cassie Pratt.
Obama is set to deliver an official speech in front of Milican Hall tomorrow at 2:00PM. Rumor has it that he has requested ex-president George Bush’s 2003 “Mission Accomplished” banner for the allocution. Students remaining at the university for finals are ecstatic about meeting the commander-in-chief.
“The library has a fifth floor?” lauded student Bill Russel, “does it have free scantrons?”
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