Harold Camping, the apocalyptic messenger with over thirty years of tenure and tens of thousands of followers, had gone silent as of yesterday after a widely recognized failure of prophecy. Camping claimed to have discovered a mathematical proof laid down by God in The Bible pinpointing the exact day of what is referred to as the “The Rapture” by Christian eschatology. That day was supposed to be May 21, 2011.
Many have speculated that Camping’s disappearance was spurred by the pressure of being held accountable to his fans and foes alike. Stories have been emerging of individuals who had taken the message with such gravity that they had relinquished their life savings to a higher power, which, in this case, often happened to be a cunning salesperson.
In a shocking turn of events, the Associated Press released a transcript to reputable news corporations written by Camping that was timestamped after the purported “Rapture.” The Central Florida Fancy presents the transcript below.
People of Earth,
Do not worry about my recent absence. I have indeed ascended into the heavens by the power of Christ’s will, and quite frankly, I am surprised that no one else was part of the elect as well. I have been known to make mathematical errors in the past, and this case holds no exception for my fallibility. I had originally proclaimed that two-hundred million would be raised into the sky on the twenty-second, yet I should have added that you were to subtract 199,999,999 from the original number of the ordained.
I know that I have talked to you of eternal bliss and streets paved with gold, but unfortunately, heaven isn’t quite like that. I have about 80 channels on my cable television set, and I’m staying at a one room flat within a housing project designed for newcomers. I haven’t been feeling it that much lately, so I think I’m gonna come back.
Seriously, what makes this even worse is God incessantly calling me on the Nokia that I got upon my arrival. I HATE talking to him because he won’t stop asking me to tell the story again of that one time when I said everyone is going to hell without a shadow of a doubt. Usually when I ignore peoples’ calls I can come up with some sort of an excuse later on, but since he’s omniscient I’m pretty sure he knows.
So even though heaven is pretty chill I’ve sorta arranged it with Jesus that he teleport me back to my home at Alameda like tomorrow or something. He’s told me when the real rapture is going to happen, so I’ll definitely start giving you guys the heads up about it when I get back.