First year anthropology major Iguodala Jones has been credited with finding the hidden first floor of UCF’s library Tuesday. The find marks a significant advance in our growing understanding of the Library’s long and mysterious past. In a press conference held in front of the fountain, Jones announced he discovered [...]
UCF continues to remain silent when approached with any question inquiring as to why a Classroom Building 1 exists, but not a Classroom Building 2. What exactly are they trying so hard to hide? Although UCF may not realize it, we’re smart enough to notice when there’s a larger cover-up in [...]
Police have finally identified the man who allegedly was assaulted by a malicious group of campus squirrels on Wednesday. Wayne Cooney, 21, was eaten alive around 11:30 a.m. near the breezeway, campus officials said. Cooney, who was simply trying to eat some Chick-fil-A after a relaxing first day of class, [...]
A wave of grief washed over UCF basketball fans earlier today when the eldest son of NBA legend Michael Jordan and UCF Knight, Jeffrey Jordan, announced his departure from the UCF basketball team. “It’s sad to see him go,” says head coach, Donnie Jones, “But we’d still like to thank [...]
UCF made one more stride in the race towards global recognition today after receiving one of the most prestigious awards known to the scientific community, the Albert Einstein World Award of Science, for being the first university in history to launch a fully functional, dynamic website programmed by nothing more [...]
Last night, hundreds of UCF students took to the streets in protest of the recent firing of Forrest Patrick, head coach of UCF’s star curling team. Patrick was terminated for failing to notify the police after being informed by a graduate assistant that former curling coach, Gary Jablonski, was seen [...]
Thanks to their air-tight security and lengthy, meticulous screening process, the dedicated border security officers of local student apartment complex, The Pegasus Knight’s Pointe-y Edge, successfully prevented almost 6 kilos of cocaine, 50 illegal immigrants, and a band of thieves from being smuggled across the border and into the complex [...]
“If we can’t find the culprit behind these attacks, it’s likely that the school will be closed,” Professor McGonagall told a press conference yesterday morning. Within the first 24 hours of the alleged opening of the Chamber of Secrets, two UCF muggle-borns have been petrified, and one has unfortunately been [...]
Police issued a community alert around 10:45 tonight after a local UCF party reported that their first keg has been tapped, and if they aren’t able to acquire enough money for a second keg, the flow of alcohol will soon terminate. Inside sources have reported the hosts are only about [...]
A lack of competency looms over the heads of the UCF Landscape and Natural Resources crew as a pile of large stale french fries lay littering the ground adjacent to the Washington Center. The fries have been allowed to fester for so long that new employees have mulched around them and [...]
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