Orange County Fire Department officers were rushed into the Student Union to perform an evacuation this afternoon after reports were received of students smelling a terrible fart in the beloved building. “It was horrible, I called 911 immediately,” recounted a disheveled freshman in-between sips of hot tea as she sat [...]
In an attempt to macerate the few remaining freedoms an Orlando resident possesses, Orange County police arrested student Thomas Hellinger and four others yesterday evening for feeding the small and emaciated feral animals that are condemned to forever scuttle about Lake Eola in search of sustenance. “I was in a [...]
Senate member and Master of the Horse, Mark Antony, is running around warning of a conspiracy against Kilbride that is to take place in The Theatre of Pompey on the Ides of March. “Cicero hath told me the Gods will strike!” he wails, as he prances through the colonnades of [...]
After receiving tip-offs from students witnessing Gamestop employees dressed in all-white jumpsuits, performing rituals in a makeshift temple with holy white monoliths, and offering shelter-seekers the opportunity to read a small pamphlet on “a dimension ascending handheld console” while enjoying a refreshing “beverage”, UCF police raided the Gamestop within the John T. [...]
In the aftermath of SGA President Killbride’s attempt at dissolving the senate, UCF will be welcoming back the chivalry of feudalism. A bold new budget laid out by the senate will see to the training, equipping and knighting of a new senatorial elite guard, the UCF Knights. The office of [...]
Old documents are surfacing that appear to detail an array of glory holes that used to overwhelm the UCF Library bathrooms. For those unaware, a glory hole is exactly what it sounds like: a hole cut out of a bathroom stall wall meant to encourage off-the-cuff sexual encounters. Gay encounters. [...]
It’s only been a few months since the UCF Police Department moved into their lavish new 10 million dollar building, but luck has yet to run out for these officers of the law. Due to the overwhelming success of the new structure, UCF has just broke ground for a brand [...]
Reports of an unauthorized Whale Shark swimming around in the UCF Reflection Pond have steadily risen over the past few days. “There seems to be a direct positive correlation between whale shark sightings and missing students,” noted Chief Richard Beary of the UCF Police Department. 10 students have been reported [...]
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